I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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