life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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