so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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