I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
