I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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