just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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