i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
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Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
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Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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