Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
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I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
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SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work