you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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