There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
