I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
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i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
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Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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