I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
