Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
