He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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