And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
