Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
