Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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