wat bout pragnant strippers??
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
