if i can run in heels then i can drive
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
