Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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