your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
