It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
