omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
