the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
