Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
