knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
