as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
