You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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