You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
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how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
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Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha