And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.