I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
