I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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