: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
