I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
now i know why i became what i already was.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
