Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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