i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
