Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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