It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
