if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
