Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
