this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She announced her abortion via fbk
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
