I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
