Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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