highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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