Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My day in three words: secret purse cake
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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