my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
