The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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