You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
