I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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