....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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