At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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