i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
