just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
