We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I think i got beer on your cat.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
