Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
