Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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