i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
