btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
