I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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