Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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