Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
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You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
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As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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