epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You are the jesus of drinking
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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